We moderate Democrats understand that this doesn’t look good to us. With an embarrassing loss in Virginia and our opposition to social spending, we can see how everyday Americans may think that choosing a Democrat doesn’t mean much to them these days. But that’s not true! Why? Because we just said it isn’t. Remember this in 2022.
We all want many things, but we have to be realistic. Nobody wants Joe Biden to be FDR because FDR is dead and Joe Biden is technically alive enough to be considered alive. But that doesn’t mean we’re not committed to change! Despite our concerns about elements of the Build Back Better Act, we are determined to change the lives of ordinary Americans. We hate arguing all the time about what all of you really “need” to “live” or whatever, but in order to make the wait worth the wait, here are some budget tips to help you help yourself:
● If you have difficulty paying the rent, get the “Bachelor” deductible. The show’s definition of being there “for the right reasons” is pretty broad, so it definitely covers living. If you leave, you should consider renting out your second or third home.
● Save a little on paying taxes. We all do it! Some people may be concerned about pissing off the IRS, but have you tried talking to them on the phone and crying? My accountant does this thing where whenever the IRS calls him, he says he can’t find his glasses, hangs up and then moves to another state. You are welcome to borrow one of his burner cell phones.
● It is very easy to get a second job now. Some would say the reason the labor shortage is because people don’t want to risk their lives by doing exhausting jobs for poverty wages. I would say I’m on a boat right now. We all have to make sacrifices to make ends meet, and for some people that means taking two minimum wage jobs, while for me that sometimes means seasickness. We’ll both be equally good
● Do sideline jobs like candle making, bootleg dentistry, or whatever else you can find with Michael. When your sideline gets going, you can make a living doing what you love! Until you don’t love it anymore because it has become a stressful chore.
● Find places in your budget where you can make cuts. Do you have to spend that much money on Tums, for example? Rough.
● We heard a lot about selling footprints?
● Critics say the problem with the Democratic Party is that we are too awake. So feel free to test a few insults and see if that gets your finances in order at all.
● Unfortunately, we could not include anything about student loan waivers in the bill because Kyrsten Sinema got us involved in an MLM program and now we have to unload hundreds of kitchen knives by the end of the week. But you can save money on student debt payment for the next year by Googling “fake name fake identity fake life trick Sallie Mae like” in Incognito mode. Besides, hey how would you feel about buying a knife?
● Have you already chosen an arch?
● At the end of these four weeks of paid parental leave, save on childcare costs by letting your baby float in a hot air balloon until the next day off.
● We wanted to get Medicare to negotiate drug prices directly with drug companies, but then we realized that unfortunately this could make drug companies feel guilty. But that doesn’t mean you can’t! Save on expensive recipes by getting your grandpa to fight Eli Lilly with his bare hands.
● When you think that you don’t have enough money, distract yourself with another problem. This is what we do We’re worried about climate change, for example, but we’re also worried because Joe Manchin is racing down the hall with a shopping cart full of coal yelling, “I’m Santa Claus today, baby!”
● Energy prices have risen, making heating more expensive this winter. This is your landlord’s responsibility, but keep in mind that they have been in a lot of stress since you asked them to fix your ceiling leak three years ago. If your heater is taking some time to turn on, don’t annoy him. Start a controlled grease fire for warmth.
● It’s such a shame we didn’t have to do the free community college, but who needs that? You did? Oh my god I’m so sorry, can you hold out a second? I get a call. Apparently my bird is puking? And I have an appointment to buy sunglasses? Must run!
● In the event that it doesn’t work out, incorporate moderate politics into your everyday life. Say no to extremes. Start biting into the string cheese from the center.